Dismantling the man box: a conversation on trans visibility and masculinities

*name has been changed for privacy reasons

Sam’s story is one of transformation. As a transgender man, he has navigated the contradictions and pressures of patriarchal and restrictive masculinities, striving to prove his strength, suppress his emotions, and outdo others in a relentless performance of manhood. However, through a process of self-discovery, Sam has come to embrace and advocate for ways to be a man that are malleable and free from strict gendered expectations, and that are instead rooted in care, compassion, authenticity, and humanity. His testimony challenges the rigid constraints of the “man box” and envisions a future where being a man is not a performance but a space of possibility.

From an early age, Sam grappled with the pressures to fit into society’s rigid mold of patriarchal and masculine expectations that sought to define him. “I would try to demonstrate my strength, show I don’t feel emotion, suppress my nurturing side” Sam recalls. 

“In the trans masculine community, there’s this added layer of pressure to be ‘man enough’. I found myself trying to one-up other trans men – who could be the strongest, the toughest, the most traditionally masculine? It was a constant performance, a struggle that left me exhausted.” 

In a society often hostile towards trans and non-binary existence, transgender individuals face an added layer of pressure to conform to gender expectations and roles. They can feel forced to squeeze themselves into the tight confines of gender stereotypes to earn external social validation of their gender identity. In an attempt to meet these societal expectations, Sam at first exaggerated stereotypically masculine traits to fit the mold.

But the more he tried to fit into this narrow definition of manhood, the more disconnected he felt from himself and those around him. The pressure to conform left him feeling hollow, as though he was losing pieces of himself in the process. Sam’s community and loved ones sensed that he wasn’t living authentically. 

One evening, Sam confided in his loving sister about his struggles. Her response was a simple, yet transformative reminder: “Don’t downsize yourself,” he remembers her saying. “You are a man, but you also mean so much more to the world and me.”

“It was like a light switch flipped,” Sam recalls. “I had spent so much time trying to shrink myself into these ideas and notions of patriarchal masculinities that I didn’t realise how much I was losing in the process, including humanity within me.”

This moment brought Sam to realize the importance of accepting fluidity in identity, and the power found in stepping away from the rigid binary and the box of gendered expectations. It liberated him from constraints he had been wrapped up in, and marked the beginning of his journey towards a more fluid and diverse understanding of gender that allows each person to tap into their shared and individual humanity. Sam began to embrace previously suppressed aspects of his personality and to validate and embody diverse ways of being.

“I believe that feminism allows for men and boys to see themselves in full. That is, to recognize their complex humanity beyond stereotypical and patriarchal forms of masculinity.”

Driven by these realizations, Sam channeled his energy into advocacy. He sought out spaces where he could deepen his understanding, find solidarity and have an impact in social justice and collective liberation.  His search led him to MenEngage Alliance, which he encountered in a research paper. He found that the Alliance’s principles and values closely aligned with his aspirations for a more equitable and inclusive world.

So, Sam decided to get involved and quickly became a key contributor. He took on an active leadership role across various areas of MenEngage’s work, such as climate change and youth leadership, collaborating with others to promote gender justice and social justice for all. 

Through MenEngage Alliance, Sam has found a platform to challenge restrictive gender norms and open new possibilities for how men and boys see themselves.

 “Being part of MenEngage has shown me that masculinity isn’t something to be confined by – it’s something we can shape. The conversations we have enable me to question assumptions, to listen deeply to different points of view, and to hold myself accountable.”

Sam is committed to continuing this work long after college. “I just realized that this is my life’s work,” he says. “Wherever it takes me, I’m excited to keep engaging men and boys along with women, girls and gender diverse individuals in the fight for gender justice.”

Today, we reaffirm our belief that the gender binary is a social construct and therefore it can be socially redefined. At MenEngage Alliance, we are dedicated to this vital work of liberation and redefinition. By working together as a collective, we can foster a society where gender identities are accepted to be complex, flexible, diverse and fluid.

Sam’s journey is a testament to the ways in which trans, queer and gender-diverse identities challenge and destabilize the binary gender system itself. The very existence and visibility of trans identities serves as a powerful rejection of the rigid boxes that society imposes. We should empower more trans and queer individuals to realize the power they have just by being who they are, rather than trying to fit into the gender binary and the restrictive roles society has created for us. This has the potential to dismantle the gender box for all people, and for all of society to benefit. 

Sam hopes that by sharing his story, others will feel empowered to step outside of rigid gender expectations and into a version of themselves that is free from gender restraints. “Masculinity doesn’t have to be something we struggle to live up to,” he says. “It can be something we live into”. As we celebrate Trans Day of Visibility, let Sam’s story inspire us to continue dismantling the boxes that confine us and to imagine a world where everyone is free to be their true authentic self without discrimination.

 

Interview and write-up by Gigi Davolio, Communications Intern 2025 at MenEngage Alliance Global Secretariat. Cover image by Twoolw (Sanja Mihovilovic) from thegreats.co.